Discover Your Sexual Motivations

What motivates you to want to be sexual? Think back over your last few sexual experiences; what did you want to express when you thought that you wanted sex?

Working with my clients has led me to believe that many sexual difficulties arise and are reinforced by us not always understanding what we want when we think we want sex. If sex is repeatedly used to meet other needs, then problems, frustrations and resentment may build up and begin to sap you of your sexual confidence, your self-esteem and your sexual enjoyment.

There are no right or wrong reasons to have sex and the reasons that we decide to be sexual are complex and varied. It is your sexual habits and patterns that are important and how big a burden sex is made to carry in your life and relationships. I have grouped together some of the typical motivations that people give me and what I ask you to do is take a look and see if any seem familiar to you.

Your partner’s desire. Yes someone else’s desire can ignite your own desire. Absolutely, it can. I have a caveat though. If you are always waiting for a partner to initiate sex, it is very common for the other person to begin to feel resentful. They never get to feel desired and you are making someone else responsible for when you have sex. None of these are going to promote great sex and an equal sexual partnership. However, worse than the effects upon your partner are the consequences for your sexual expression. You do need to get used to feeling and responding to your own desire if you are to build up and use your sexual confidence to create a sex life that fulfils and inspires you.

Meeting other emotional needs. Probably sexual desire is always a mixture of differing, possibly conflicting, feelings and needs and no, it is never ‘wrong’ to be want sex because you feel lonely, disconnected or you want to express warmth or affection. There are endless emotional needs that can get confused with sexual needs. The need to express intimacy, affection, warmth, comfort, to feel emotionally connected, to counteract loneliness, stress, to communicate that you are angry, hostile, resentful even. Using sexual expression to mask your emotional needs can be destructive and kill off your desire. Whether you want to express affection or anger, if you have sex when you don’t really want sex, then how good is it going to be? Maybe fine for a while but the fact is that your underlying emotional needs are not being addressed and will have to bubble to the surface eventually unless you find a clearer way to express how you feel.

Trying to prove something. This can involve proving something to yourself and/or to other people. Sex as a way to prove something is a tremendously dangerous strategy, since it presupposes the possibility of ‘failure’ if you fail the test that you have set for yourself. Motivations within this category would include having sex to prove you are desirable, to demonstrate your sexual competence/prowess, to boost your reputation, to be as ‘masculine’ or ‘sexy’ as your mates, to fit in or to prove that you can have an erection/orgasm. There is a lack of honesty here in your sexual expression and a high level of desperation, both of which are likely to leave you unsatisfied even if you ‘pass’. Your underlying insecurities are probably not going to be satisfied for long and you will need to go out and ‘prove’ the same thing over and over again.

Social/peer pressure and expectations are implicated in many unhappy sexual encounters. Clients have told me that they can trace sexual problems back to getting into a pattern of having sex just because they felt they ought to. Both men and women have reported entering into a sexual relationship way before they really wanted to but because they thought that the other person expected them to and / or they lacked the confidence to give an honest and open account of how they were feeling. Couples who are together for a while can get into a habit of being sexual because they believe too long has passed since they last had sex. Sometimes this works and trying to manufacture desire can kickstart a fulfilling sexual experience. Sometimes developing a focus on sex that is dictated by assumptions of what is the appropriate frequency can spiral both of you into lacklustre and mechanical sexual experiences.

Intense physical desire/release. This is all about acting from your own desire. You take the responsibility to recognise and act upon feeling that you want to be sexual. Maybe sexual desire can never be a ‘pure’ physical desire for sexual connection/release. Can you remember times when you felt that you wanted sex for the sake of sex? That seems to be the closest way I could describe this last reason. This covers times when who you had sex with was not as important as getting the opportunity to be sexual and times when the identity of your partner is important and you feel a need to connect with them physically without necessarily making it all about intimacy and affection.

What patterns of motivational confusion did you relate to? I am not suggesting that sex can and should always be about sex for the sake of sex or that you should never have sex to express comfort and warmth to another person. However if you cannot recognise intense desire as a reason that you ever have sex, then it could be time to reconnect to your sexuality and get to explore the part of you that can – and is quite capable, however out of practice – celebrate and enjoy your sexuality.

If sex has to carry the weight of unmet emotional needs, your anxieties and insecurities as well as social/cultural expectations, then you are likely to find that your sex life has ceased to be fun, playful and enjoyable and has become an ordeal and a burden that you no longer wish to carry.

When and Why Women Lack Sexual Desires

Having sexual desire is an integral part of being a human being. It is a basic characteristic of every living person in this world; and it is something which even women are entitled to. After all, their bodies are capable of producing estrogens which are primarily responsible for the generation of sexual urges in women.

But What is Sexual Desire?

Sexual desire is basically the longing for sexual intimacy. It can be described in many ways. From holding hands to doing sexual intercourse, as long as it does give off sexual pleasure, it is considered desire. In simple words, it can be referred to as libido.

According to several studies, the sexual desire or libido of women is relatively lower compared to the desire which men emit. This is because women are more concerned about the emotions that go with the act of doing sex rather than focusing on the act itself.

When Women Lack Sexual Desires

But despite the leniency women show towards sexually related matters, the women’s lack of desires is quite a big problem. Whenever women lack sexual desires, great stress and frustration takes over and it often leads to depression and too much insecurities.

Why Women Lack Sexual Desires

According to medical professionals, the interest of women on sexual activities is due to a variety of reasons. Generally, it could either be due to physical differences or psychological problems.

Most of the time, women lack sexual desires due to the limited production of estrogens. Estrogens are basically the hormones produced by the female human body which is primarily responsible in generating one’s sexual urges. Usually, this situation may be due to the medications women take; particularly birth control pills.

There are also diseases which may trigger women to lack sexual desires. Some of it may be anaemia, diabetes, and Hyperporlactinaemi or overactive pituitary gland. More so, addictions may lead women to lose sexual interests. Drug abuse and alcoholism could definitely play a major role in the gradual decrease of interest women have on desires.

As for the psychological problems which make women lack sexual desires, the primary reasons would definitely be depression and stress. It is understandable that when a woman is under great pressure and anxiety, her attention would most likely be diverted to solving the problem rather than noticing her sexual needs. More so, it can also be considered that lose interests on sex due to failed relationships. This aspect is particular with the partner whom the woman is having sex with. When there is a problem between the couple, there is this great possibility that sexual desires and activities will be inhibited.

Psychological problems why women lack desires can also include their emotional backgrounds. Women who experienced sexual abuse during their childhood, or whatever experience which could trigger their fear towards sexual activities, are most likely to lose sexual interests compared to those who didn’t experience those kinds of abuse.

The deterring surroundings may also be classified under psychological reasons why women lack sexual desires. Culture and traditions may be two of the major reasons why women have to suppress their desires.

Identity could also play a role in why women lack sexual desires. Latent homosexuality can affect it terribly, especially if the woman concerned has a partner from the opposite sex.

The Cure for Women

Basically, the cure for women who lack sexual desires depends on the reason why desires are inhibited. There are a variety of methods to do in order to get over this sexual disorder. If the cause is from the physical aspect, medicine intakes could be suggested. If it is due to some psychological problems, therapies would most likely be the remedy.

But whatever the cure is, women who lack sexual desires will only regain their interest on sexual activities if they help themselves regain it. As said, desires are part of human nature so women should not take it for granted. If there is a problem, it should be acted upon. Otherwise, life would never be the same again.